Pun-chy Thoughts

The challenge of black excellence

Posted by on May 4, 2016 in Pun-chy thoughts, Punchy thoughts | 3 comments

The challenge of black excellence

I am purposely going to write this post in a blog style versus article style I usually do as these are thoughts that have been burning the corridors of my thoughts for a little while and I need to, out of necessity, put them somewhere. The thought was inspired by a gorgeous black woman driving a drop top Maserati near Hydepark, where my colleague and I were walking to go buy some lunch; upon gazing at this woman my colleague exclaimed with a great smile “black excellence!” and I smiled back and retorted, “Indeed” until it dawned on me. If I were to approach her in hopes to have a conversation, she would more than likely be apprehensive or ostentatious depending on her perception of me (now I know it is more complex than that my dear psychology friends but humour my rudimentary analysis this once) and that is the very problem with black people who have ‘made it’ i.e. the main stream topic of conversation with those who are up and coming isn’t about how to create wealth, guiding principles on how the successful one made it which is my main problem. We need to make wealth creation a mainstream topic of conversation as black people.

To the successful black – I do not need you, who has made it, tell me that your jacket is a Burberry and about how amazing your holiday in a foreign country was, rather impart knowledge on me on how I can fish, give me the ‘if i knew what I know now’ moments so that I can build my house. The obvious supposition is, the successful black person will be surrounded by a few others like them which means they have a mini-network of successful fellow black people who may be in industries I want to enter, so what I need from you is not a freebie but a possible co-sign or even an introduction to a relevant person within your network who may be of interest to me based on what I want to do or do.This is how I believe one puts another person on. Your responsibility as someone who has made it somewhat is to bring up others, not flaunt to them, play your part in teaching and imparting knowledge to enable others to improve their lives by implementing the knowledge and doing the same. Anthropologically speaking, black people have always been communal in nature which is capitalism screwed us up so much because the system shuns the concept of sharing, it encourages competition and greed.

To the up and coming black – change your topic of conversation, don’t want to enjoy the good life without having worked for it, stop asking for freebies and expecting shortcuts from those who have made it, instead create your own business ideas and ask for knowledge, guidance and advice from those who have made it, connections, networks, investment and tips on how to create wealth, then pass on that knowledge to others like you.

As a people, we need to get to a point where we stop taking money away from black people and the way to do that is by building communities. A community comprises of schools, banks, hospitals, libraries etc we need to own infrastructure and enable ourselves to be self sustaining, since we are far from that, we need to start somewhere and that is by supporting black businesses and encouraging their birth. Alright I will leave this here. I believe we have a copious amount of thinkers but not enough do’ers, so there will more than likely be a plethora of profound comments below this article and then Taboo will be filled with more young black professionals buying blessees Moet, so before you share your astute thought, think also about how we implement your ideas.

 

I appreciate your time for reading this.

by Donald Neosapien Mokgale

 

 

SURELY….

Posted by on Jan 13, 2016 in Pun-chy thoughts, Punchy thoughts | 8 comments

Towards the end of last year I had an amazing catch up with a long standing friend of mine, we regaled each other about all sorts of experiences we had gone through and lessons we learned from each one and one thing was apparent when it came to the topic of relationships, it was our unwillingness to compromise on love, even the idea of it. The feeling of elation at the mere thought of seeing your partner, engaging their minds, seeing things that remind you of them in your day to day running and please note dear cynics, that I am not referring to mere infatuation but the principle and emotion of love in action.

Walking away from this inspiring catch up with Kethabile, I proceeded to pray a very bold prayer to God saying, “God, you are my creator, you have created me to be the way that I am, to think the way that I think, to enjoy the things that I do, if you, who could create ex nihilo (Greek for out of nothing), if you could say ‘let there be light’ when there wasn’t and then there was, then SURELY, surely, you can create a female equivalent of me who can be compatible with me on a level pleasing even to you.” I then proceeded to list all the qualities I would like in her to the minutest specificity with the faith and knowledge that God is able ‘to do exceedingly, abundantly…’ I believe that if I exist, then surely so does her and that it is not up to me to look for her, but for God to bring her to me in the fullness of time.

So what do I do in the mean time? Because as cool as this all sounds, I am human, who is fallible and impatient? Well, I use this time to focus on self-development and growth in God, to remove the cobwebs to ancient questions like ‘who are you?” because ultimately, my relationship with my future partner will be comprised of two WHOLE people coming together to create a life together in God while still remaining fundamentally themselves.
Nothing is as attractive as finding someone whole and complete, able to be happy outside of you, someone living within their purpose. Mark Twain writes “There are two most important days in your life, the day you are born and the day you find out why” and it is nothing short of a travesty to be in a relationship with someone who has not found out why they exist and how they plan on fulfilling their purpose, someone with an EXISTING relationship with God. One pastor once said “The problem with how we formulate relationships these days is that we say yes until God says no, instead of saying no until God says yes”, we often don’t involve God until the fit hits the shan and then have the temerity to be angry at him when things don’t go well forgetting that we never allowed him to be God in the first place. Allow me to be bold and say, I believe you have no right to be looking for a partner when you have not found yourself; it is gauche to look for happiness in another person outside of God.

In conclusion, this is a piece of encouragement from my personal experience, that we should not LOOK for partners, but pray for them and wait on God to deliver, even the wait should be incidental and not deliberate because you would be living your life, content in your identity in God because this in itself is a never ending journey full of challenges and victories. I have learnt a lot from my past failures in relationships and I am thankful because each experience has aided in strengthening my character, aided in providing clarity around what I want and what I definitely don’t want in a relationship. So don’t compromise, if you truly believe that you serve a living God then claim the promise found in Mark 11:24.

By Donald Neosapien Mokgale.

Intimacy

Posted by on Aug 26, 2015 in Pun-chy thoughts | 7 comments

What’s the first thing that came to mind when you read this word? Something sexual right? Love making, closeness, love etc, these are words a few people threw around when I asked them, with the common one being sex which I find interesting, primarily because this is indicative of how TV has influenced how we think and view some crucial things about how we relate to each other on a daily basis. There are many definitions of intimacy and even different types but people are mostly familiar with physical intimacy hence…sex. There is also mental and emotional intimacy, which is essentially a deep closeness where a person lets their guard down and trusts the other to hold them non-judgementally. It can also be the expression of affection which can also be non-romantic with a friend irrespective of gender and age; so yes you can have an intimate time with your grand mother.

 

Recently a friend of mine tagged me on instagram on a post which defined a concept I speak very often about in conversation which is mind sex. This page defined it as follows:

1.(n.) (v.) – The act of two people exchanging aspects of each other’s intellects – thoughts, perception, memory, emotion, will; imagination – far beyond a superficial level, executed though conversation. It is often characterised by intimacy, closeness and exclusivity between two persons.

2. To intellectually penetrate (or enter into) one’s mind/thoughts as if in sexual intercourse.

3. The mental version of sexual intercourse.

This reminds me of one of my all time favourite songs by Dead Prez titled, yes you guessed it “Mind Sex” and the chorus of the song goes “we could mind sex, we don’t have to take our clothes off yet, we can burn an incense and just chat relax let’s have a good conversation, before we make love let’s have a good conversation”. As I am sure you deduce the essence here is that mind sex a closeness between two minds in incredibly stimulating conversation, when last did you have it? In an age where good conversation is becoming extinct, those that can hold one are regarded as highly attractive. It is important for men to know that if they are not treating their women to such, they are in danger of losing key connections which discerning single men will take advantage of, yes my brother, if you are not doing this please be aware that there are brothers like me out here who will treat your woman to such haha! Jokes aside, intimacy is too often left to lovers and only to specific situations which is wrong. We should not fear intimacy, it should be part of what we do often with special people in our lives in various contexts, it really adds a richness to human interaction like nothing else. There is a G spot that exists in every mind that can only be reached with good conversation, there is no foreplay sexier than undressing the mind and you have not lived if you have not experienced this.

In this technological age, it seems being in the moment is fast becoming a thing of the past, I’ve seen people on a date with their heads buried deep in their phones texting away, an absolute travesty! Nothing ruins intimacy more than not being in the moment. Being in the moment, means switching off everything else besides that very moment, this includes your thoughts about other things, distractions like your phone etc and actively listening to the other person and responding intelligently. What are your thoughts though?

 

By Donald The Neosapien

 

 

 

Quick catch up

Posted by on Feb 26, 2015 in News, Pun-chy thoughts, Punchy thoughts, Uncategorized | 0 comments

Quite a lot has happened this year and I will share a few really mind blowing things I have learnt.

In January I was commissioned (together with my soldiers in poetry KB & Samkelo) to perform at a 25th wedding anniversary and a 50th birthday of the bride and it was incredible. A few days later, the bride got into an accident and sadly passed away, my life has not been the same since; i was abruptly reminded of the fleeting nature of life. Let us learn to celebrate each other while we are still alive.

I also performed at The Denel Group’s excellence awards and at a 30th birthday party as well which all splendid. I am currently in talks with a few prospective clients so 2015 is looking good thus far. Full steam ahead on my side.

I now officially have my own space through which to vent and be the Zapiro of poetry on Blaque Magazine’s online platform which is super exciting!! Please check out my piece on SONA https://www.facebook.com/BlaqueMagazine?fref=nf

I have been spotted by a few bloggers and online magazines who like what I do and honoured me with interviews; here is a link to one http://riseunlimited.blogspot.com/2015/02/featuring-donald-neosapien-mokgale.html please check it out and let me know your thoughts, found some of those questions to be very interesting and whimsical.

Wait…there’s more! I am also now part of an incredible thought leadership organisation called YSI (Young and Spiritually Inspired) and I am a content writer and strategist and I co-lead the Male2Man section together with a runner up of SABC 1′s One Day Leader Siphosenkosi Malimela and we work closely with a team of talented intellectuals creating relevant content targeted primarily at men and engaging with our audience on the various issues we face and the solutions so that we become better men in our society. Please check out our work on www.teamysi.co.za there is also a female section there as well, a poetry section, a fashion section and all sorts of edifying content for the youth.

One of resolves this year is to focus on what I love and ever since this, I have been meeting amazing people who add value to all the things I love, from content writing to performance poetry and the business behind it. God has been amazing. Anyway, this first quarter has been a journey and half to say the least and it’s not even March yet, I can only hope for more positive things. My heart still bleeds for the family of the mother who passed on; I have learned a lot.

Let’s share our experiences and grow in our various pursuits in this life.

Thanks again for all your support my friends, without you guys I am nothing.

Back to basics

Posted by on Sep 29, 2014 in News, Pun-chy thoughts, Punchy thoughts | 3 comments

1 + 1 = 2

By Donald The Neosapien.

Back to basics” is a phrase I’ve been hearing a lot lately from various people regarding various things in fact, one of friends, a civil engineer, says it is a basic grounding principle used in their field when calculations seem inaccurate or difficult to break down. This is what this article is about, back to basics when it comes to relating. I’ve often heard people ask old married couples what their secret is to being together for so long and the simple truth is that they have the basics right (those that are actually happy being together that is, not the ones who tolerate each other for their own safety). This begs the question, what are the basics? Honesty and expectation management has to be two of the strongest basic principles that one can apply to any relationship from mother and child, client and supplier & boyfriend and girlfriend etc. Speaking the truth about what you want, what you can provide by when and updating this as you go along makes a monumental difference in how you relate with another person.

Remember the time when your friend said they would come at xx time and five or even ten minutes past that they send you an sms or call you to tell you that they are running late as if you are not aware of it, think of how the frustration would have been alleviated if they had the courtesy to inform you in advance of their inability to make the appointment on time, as well as an estimated time of arrival (No! not the complete lie we’ve grown accustomed to accepting on the phone, you know the “I’m five minutes away” lie). Managing the expectations of the other person is paramount in avoiding conflict. I challenge you to try it; I must state however that managing people’s expectations is far easier if you tell the truth.

It is pointless for you to tell someone that you are running late and that you are five minutes away when in actual fact you are 20 minutes away, this will not alleviate frustration it may actually exacerbate it. So telling the truth is just as important as managing the expectations. So how does one apply these in a relationship? Well firstly it is important to state what your expectations in the relationship are, so that both parties are aware what they are getting themselves into, this will also allow for the parties involved to discuss what they find impractical, unreasonable and so on and so forth until they reach a middle ground where in the relationship will commence. One of my friends was in a situation where his partner told him that she has a child three months into their relationship which freaked my friend out; this of course, is a case in point of the results of not applying these crucial principles.

Managing expectations also prevents the painful reprimands of your partner, you know those that come with the tone that says “you should’ve known better!” because they literally would’ve known what not to do had you managed this. Many people do themselves an injustice by going into relationships without stating their expectations and knowing their partner’s. Both these basic principles go back to one timeless principle which is communication. We all know how important communication is in a relationship but knowing this alone is not enough, we need to also know how to apply it and these two principles are ways to do so.

One of the reasons why men don’t communicate as effectively as they could be, is because they feel that some things are better left unsaid because they open up cans (yes the plurality here is deliberate) of worms. For instance, if a man’s old high school friend, who happens to be female, asks him to meet up for coffee and a catch up, it is very unlikely that the man will tell his girlfriend the full details for fear of conflict, 21 questions and statements like “oh so it’s okay if I also meet up with Tshepo for coffee as well” (yes I am aware that not all females would freak out). In the man’s mind, lying about it is conflict prevention because no man wants to deal with a woman freaking out; this increases our cholesterol levels tenfold. Although the thinking is inspired by a bit of ‘goodness’ the execution is flawed and this is what has led men to their conundrums for decades, in fact most men say the application of these principles is utopian because of the results they tend to yield.

It is therefore imperative that men and women recognise the application of these principles as an effort to communicate effectively in the relationship and not use them as a door to open a world of hell. In other words, it is an insult to morality to have a man say “it would’ve been better to lie than to tell the truth” this is not a world any of us want to raise our children in! So the onus lies with all of us to be able to take the truth as it is told. Tall ask?

Think of the situations you have experienced recently that would have been better handled had your expectations been managed or vice versa, think also, about your ability to handle the truth and how this will affect people telling it to you as a means to manage your expectations. These are very basic principles that we have complicated so much, are you smiling in agreement? Well, let me know your thoughts.

 

 

Man down, man up!

Posted by on Sep 26, 2014 in Pun-chy thoughts, Punchy thoughts | 4 comments

By Donald The Neosapien

When I was yet a boy, I remember playing a game we called ‘house’ with other kids where we would all pretend to be adults and do what they did, however, because we had a limited frame of reference we could only emulate what we saw them do in front of us. The boys would be the fathers of the home, ordering food and beer from our wives and relaxing in front of the television, fortunately much has changed since then. With capitalism, globalisation (or new world order depending how you look at it) and political revolutions society has been directly affected by these changes, little did I know back then that I would be nowhere near the man I was emulating when we played house.

Today we see women being CEO’s of companies, earning more money than their husbands, historically some have even led armies to war so this begs the question, and how has this affected men? Gender roles have shifted a lot in the last 50 years and knowing that the biggest fear that men have; the fear of weightlessness or lack of impact, this has led men to face the very fear in their households and this has had all sorts of consequences. Frustrated men have become more violent in their homes, more controlling; some have even raped defenceless women as a way to assert their power and dominance because they lack it at home. Is this the modern man?

In a society with a decaying moral fabric where a woman is raped every 17 seconds in South Africa, where corrective rape is met with shrugs and high raised noses in the rural areas, where cheating on a woman is as normal as unprotected sex, how does a man remain morally upright? Well, without getting into the differences between the various religions that exist it is logical to acknowledge the similarities especially around being good and doing well to others. It is vital to be spiritually grounded if one is to live above the painfully accepted norms that damage our society daily. Manhood has to be redefined by both men and women; a measure of a man should no longer be “success”, instead it should encompass a strong moral standing, leadership even if it is only within a household, a character that supports, stands and fights for human rights but these are overlooked in favour of status and financial prestige. A man will always be a provider (or at least will always strive to be) and it is important to note that this provision must include intangible yet equally important aspects that affect how we relate to men like support, love and spiritual guidance (as a priest in their homes) and this is what our society lacks today, men who understand what it means to be men.

We should not shun gender roles at all, but merely understand them better and adapt them to be relevant in modern society, most of the moral challenges we face today are as a result of our children being raised by everything else but their parents (this also extends to single parenthood), boys become men purely based on age and whom they emulate so the ‘house’ we grew up playing, is playing itself out in reality today.

The word of God teaches that men should love their wives as Christ loved the church so at the very core of every man is the call to love. If you as a young man have not found God’s direct purpose for your life you can, at the very least rest on this, which is the call to love. What most people misunderstand is the command for women to submit to their husbands, how this command, is preceded by the love that men are to embody and display to their wives first before women can submit and if anything, our women are to respond to the love by submitting but alas I digress. Consider the story of the prophet Hosea, whom God called to love and marry a harlot who consistently committed adultery; this was to be a moral lesson to the children of Israel about their spiritual adultery that they were committing by worshipping other gods. Through this lesson Hosea learnt how Christ loves the church (us) unconditionally even though expressing disapproval of our sins; so central to being spiritually grounded is love, which the bible also defines as God himself (refer also to 1Conrinthians13).

Submission to Christ is the second step to manhood, being led by the master is the true path to leadership. When Paul writes “it is not I who lives but Christ who lives in me” he speaks of being led by the Holy Spirit as well as the concept of “self” dying at the cross. When ‘self’ dies, it takes with it all the sins of the flesh, lust, greed, pride, ego, posturing, posing, and the desire for validation, superiority complex as well as identity issues. When it comes to identity, Christ speaks about us as kings, a royal priesthood, and a peculiar people, zealous of good works, with different gifts that all work together for good and the glory of God, as beings he knew before we were formed in our mothers’ wombs this is what leads a man to true manhood.

Men are responsible for the leadership of society in general and not just their homes, therefore when the neighbour starves, it is the man’s fault as he is supposed to be ‘Christ’ in the situation, a brother’s keeper who does unto others what he would like done unto him as well. Notice how the greatest weaknesses of the modern man are nullified by his submission to Christ and this is because submission to Christ is followed by not just a change or alteration but a total transformation of the heart/mind which is followed by the fruit of the spirit (love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness, faith, meekness and temperance). Is it not ironic that growing up as young men we are taught that “Tigers don’t cry?” and that it is impossible to control a man’s sexual desires? The word of God teaches the contrary so being spiritually grounded is incredibly important to true manhood. In a fit of rage I once said that “women need to understand that some of us are actually interested in more than their cup sizes” and that “a man who cries is not less of a man, if anything, it makes him more human”.

Women have an equally heavy responsibility in this process not just in raising young men to become real men, but also in moulding the already older ones to change their ways by promoting and validating the qualities they value in them. We need more women who shun money and status as a definition of manhood in place of virtue and a solid character. We need women who not only advocate women’s rights but also dispel the notion that ‘nice guys finish last’ (even though those are the ones most women eventually want to marry). We need women to raise the standard, women who are not afraid of being single, who would rather be single than be treated less than a queen, “who demand and demonstrate respect when they walk through the door” as Black Ice eloquently worded, this will go very far in aiding the journey to true manhood. (Mind you I realise the utopian nature of this ideal but I had to, as a matter of principle, express it).

In summary, it is in Christ that we find our identity, purpose, love, grace, truth as well as principles that guide us in this life and the one to come. So even if you have been raised by a single mother, the word of God is adequate to teach you to be a real man. That it is okay to be sensitive to the world around you, to be compassionate, to shun evil and to stand up for good even if you are the only one, to lead by example even at the face of being laughed at by lost men, to tread on higher moral ground, to uphold principle over the desires of the flesh, to seek favour with God above man. Go on, be a real man, you have it in Christ. What are your thoughts?

 

Caught in the act

Posted by on Jul 29, 2014 in News | 3 comments

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The art of kissing

Posted by on Jul 28, 2014 in Uncategorized | 28 comments

By Donald The Neosapien Mokgale

I know what you are thinking, no I am no expert on the subject at all however, I know a thing or two I feel I should share which I am certain a lot of people will relate to. Travel back in time with me a little, I remember seeing two adults kiss on TV, this was actually the first time for me, on the furniture old Days Of Our Lives. The couple connected lips but proceeded to do a wave like motion while the lips were together, I had no clue what they were doing with their lips and I always wondered, until I experienced it myself eventually, quite a few times in fact leading me to the crux of this post.

kissing

Fortunately for me, the first time I kissed a girl was a very pleasant experience, it was simple and it had a flow about it there were no complicated acrobatics involved. Let’s look at the various things involved when kissing:
• Emotion/feeling – positive feelings/emotions make the whole experience more pleasant, a kiss after a mind blowing time on a date with a potential can send you flying to cloud 10, unfortunately one cannot always control this aspect but I feel that I should mention it anyway (the assumption is of course you will be in good health at least).
• Lips – the condition of one’s lips definitely affects the experience; the softness/hardness/coarseness will most likely affect the usage of the next two aspects. It is vital to have graceful lip work, it is gauche to suck on the other person’s lips as if your life depends on it. Lips are meant to dance sensually not bump into each other violently like a Mike Tyson fight. It is vital to take care of your lips; ladies not all lip glosses and lipsticks taste good, bear this in mind when prepping for your date and gents, LL Cool J may have made licking your lips look cool, but all that maltase makes the lips dry when the saliva evaporates.
• Tongue – to all my Frenchies, facile le fait. Generally speaking, you will know when to use the tongue and when you do remember to do it elegantly, based on the synergy between the two of you, do not shove the thing down the other person’s mouth as if to feed a baby or test their deep throating abilities. The tongue usage is meant to be reciprocal, tasteful and sensual. Please keep your saliva down, of course there will be some swopping but do not drown the other party, this is digusting !
• Teeth – now this one is for your more advanced kissers who know how to use teeth to create an extra sensation on the lips of the kissee, do not masticate the poor person’s lips, graze gracefully the softer portions of their lips while using the tongue to sooth it all over.

The rhythm of the kiss will be determined by the vibe between the parties involved and in all instances it is repugnant to wave your head as if you are Stevie Wonder on his keys while kissing. A kiss can determine the course of your entire relationship depending on how important it is to the other party so it is vital to be, at the very least, a decent kisser.

Okay so I have said a mouthful, hopefully you nodded your head in agreement while smiling as images of your great and horrible experiences came to mind. Kissing is truly an art and not all of us are artists naturally but we can all be trained to be. Mcwa!

about to kiss

The art of courting.

Posted by on Jul 25, 2014 in Pun-chy thoughts | 2 comments

By Donald Neosapien Mokgale

Courting is defined as a process that involves two members of the opposite sex engaging each other on a social level of a more intimate nature. Courtship is the traditional dating period before engagement and marriage. During a courtship, a couple dates to get to know each other and decide if there will be an engagement. Usually courtship is a public affair, done in public and with family approval (traditionally this is how it was done). It includes activities such as dating where couples go out together for a meal, a movie, dance parties, a picnic, shopping or general companionship, along with other forms of activity. Acts, however, such as meeting on the Internet or virtual dating, chatting on-line via instant messaging or e-mail, sending text messages, conversing over the telephone, writing each other letters, and sending each other flowers, songs, and gifts constitute wooing. Wooing is to seek the affection of somebody with the intent of romance; this concept is only applicable to polished individuals who actually care about the other individual and excludes hormonal folks whose mind is driven by libido. So it would be gauche to view courtship as a predatory attack!

Is courting still happening today? Do people still woo one another? How has courtship changed (if at all) over the years? Fortunately, courtship is still happening today however, since the emergence of technological advancements speed has become a key factor in this equation. Internet has become a platform well utilized by those living in civilized environments as a tool to communicate and even cyber-meet new acquaintances thereby replacing the traditional blind dates in restaurants. E-mails and text messages have replaced the face to face engagement that used to come with courtship such that individuals even go to the extent of sending one another photographs of themselves to put a face to their names and only after this (usually lengthy process) do they decide to meet for a first date. By this time, what would be the first conversation has already been done during the scanning process i.e. emails/text messages and now makes way for the wooing process. Naturally, this new method of courtship has its disadvantages as written communication is different from verbal so the first date is usually a due or die event as it will be a platform for the peacock to open its wings (that’s if they aren’t chickens). Well-bred ladies and gentlemen will be looking at things such as hygiene, etiquette, conduct, dress code and so forth as key areas of focus during the first date and this is where one of the disadvantages kicks in. The first date is a test of consistency from textual to verbal communication; this is where spell check users will be exposed. If the date is successful, it leads to the second, third and eventually the beautiful question: “how do you like your eggs?” (which, I don’t condone by the way)

“It is a melancholic truth that old men have poor relations” was a statement well crafted by Charles Dickons, it is very applicable in today’s society considering how weak communications between the opposite sex has become over the years, very ironic that more tools of communication have emerged over the years. I was regaled by an episode of Motswako a few months ago and they were talking about courtship and on the show was Bonang Matheba (from SABC 1’s LIVE) and she was being interviewed to give her views on this topic. She mentioned how modern men do not woo anymore (well the majority of them anyway) instead they flash their wallets and car keys or rattle on about what they have achieved which of course makes them as interesting as an elderly strip party. She mentioned how the traditional wooing process really allowed the two potentials to get to know each other whereas the new way of doing things mostly leads to disaster. So gone are the days where a Zulu gentleman would publicly display his affections in creative words that left observers whistling in amazement and the incumbent lady blushing in appreciation. So who do we blame?

“Change is the only constant” said a Greek philosopher named Heraclitus, so one can argue that, that was then and this is now. Some of the most beautiful moments occur during courtship, like “when she laughed within the first few minutes during our date, that made me relax”, said a gentlemen after what was to become a beautiful courtship, so I guess that leaves out the eloquent “LOL” of modern days. Courtship was always to be something only done by gentlemen, but with the emergence of independent females, roles have swopped and we find some women doing the courting, so how has this affected photosynthesis you may ask? Well, uncouth men view such women as ‘too easy’ which gives the rest of us elated men a bad name which invariably deters those women whose confidence levels depend on other womens’ success in this regard, which is a shame because women actually have more experience than men when it comes to wooing. It is, however, quite ironic that some women are clueless when it comes to courtship regardless of their vast experience. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a female courting a male provided it is done cleverly and with grace, take the Nescafe advertisement (I know it’s free advertising) with a lady who spotted a gentleman who she sees as attractive and she finds a creative way of opening the door for conversation, that is an introduction to how women should woo as opposed to a confrontational “I like you” or the sending of friends to deliver cupid’s message, remember, grace and creativity is an illustration of sophistication.

Courtship is like duality, there are two sides. In as much as during the courtship process, one is the wooer and the other a wooee, each individual must take responsibility of their respective roles and this is where reciprocity comes in. Some females have a tendency of forgetting this, they expect to be called all the time, they expect the gentlemen to pay all the way and so forth (so much for independent women) and this is quite unfair on the gentlemen which is where, I presume, men took the idea that if they took you out and paid for everything then they were entitled to select sex positions for the night as well (imagine Karma Sutra on the menu as well). On the other side of the coin, first impressions count and so does consistency and some males have a tendency of forgetting this, they forget that how you approach a lady is very important and lays the first bricks to the house of charm. Once the gentleman has finally acquired the handkerchief of the lady, they need to be consistent and males have a tendency of forgetting this, if a male was exciting and romantic during courtship, that is the impression they are giving off and as a result they must maintain it as it is (I presume) one of the reasons the lady gave in. So essentially, knowing which side of the coin you’re in is very important so that you can make your courtship experience worthwhile (because it can be rather time consuming).

Courting is an art, those who are involved in courtship are therefore artists, because unlike animals, humans are intelligent and far more creative (although some leave room for questions). Every single effort taken to win him/her over should be well planned and enjoyed so it would be vulgar to date anyone who does not take courtship seriously because they would not be taking you seriously. Times have changed and so have the methods of courting but I say, “If it not broken, then don’t fix it”. Move with the times in aspects that you would like to, if some parts of the traditional courtship tickle your fancy then don’t change, i.e. leave your arm pits open, but do not expect that the wooer will know this, so “reflect the change that you would like to see in the world” or the wooer in this instance. I bet you can’t wait for the next one right?

Cheating explained.

Posted by on Jul 25, 2014 in Pun-chy thoughts | 3 comments

By Donald Neosapien Mokgale

A topic that has been on people’s lips for centuries and still baffles most to this very day and if you are one of them, then you are fortunate to be reading this article. Many names have been used to identify this behaviour such as infidelity, adultery, back stabbing etc but what do they mean? Most people are quick to say that their partners have cheated on them when they do not even know what is meant by cheating. So let us define it; cheating is when one becomes traitorous to their partner in a relationship. This unfaithfulness will be determined by the foundation upon which the relationship is formed i.e. if two people are in an open relationship whereby they permit themselves to see other people whilst together, so if one partner explores the terms implicit in this particular agreement then it is not cheating, however if two people are in a closed relationship and one partner kisses, intimately touches, seduces, has intercourse with, meets on the sly with someone else, then that behaviour is infidelity. People also have a tendency of imposing their belief of cheating on other people for instance: people in closed relationships may think that those in an open relationship are cheating. Remember, it is about dishonouring the agreement between the two people.

All human beings have a certain level of evil or badness in them; some choose to explore it more than others for example, naughtiness. When we were young, we felt the urge to be naughty just for fun, there was a level of intrigue in doing what one is not supposed to be doing, “sweet is the forbidden fruit” as they say, it provides elation and thrill. This urge never dies when we become adults instead; it haunts us in the worst of times such as when one is in a relationship. It is this evil/naughtiness that has led many to cheat as it is exciting and provides intrigue like no other experience, unfortunately, this evil is above many people’s comprehension which would explain why those who have found themselves cheating because of it, are usually unable to explain why they cheated when they get caught for example: a couple who have been together for many years in a fantastic relationship find themselves in a situation where one of them cheats and gets caught and when asked why, they have no answer and end up saying that they don’t know why they did it.

Greediness is another factor that causes people to cheat. Since what each individual describes as a perfect man or woman does not exist i.e. a person who has absolutely everything that you want in a man or woman from the physical right down to the spiritual side of things, there will always be something missing that you will be coerced to compromise on because that is reality (intellectuals will argue that perfection is relative of course). So there may always be a void in one’s heart about that which is missing in their partner that will make them perfect unless they decide to embrace that which is there, which eventually overwhelms the ‘flaws’ or that which is missing. This ‘void’ causes a particular hunger and an urge to be satisfied, it causes greed. For example: in a relationship, Lerato has a fetish for being treated badly or rudely by her boyfriend (gangster love as most would describe it) and she is with a sweet & caring Tshepo who naturally does not treat her that way. She knows that Tshepo is a right person to be with and wants to eventually marry him as he is a gentleman who will probably make a good father one day. She meets an arrogant Bafana (bad boy) who thinks women can’t resist him; she finds this attribute strangely attractive (the 80/20 rule i.e. Tshepo has 80% and Bafana has 20%). Bafana flirts with her and eventually sleeps with her, after this she is bitten by the jaws of regret because Bafana is not marriage material, he only possesses that which Tshepo lacks but her behaviour will lead to her losing Tshepo for ever. This is one of the ways that greed causes one to cheat. For the sake of not seeming chauvinistic, I will also utilize an example in which the male is a perpetrator. Thabo is in a relationship with Bonnie who is very beautiful and has great looking breasts but Thabo has a fetish for an ‘ATM’ (African Trade Mark) aka booty which Bonnie isn’t very gifted in. He meets Refilwe who is as curvaceous as a sculpture and probably less beautiful if not equivalent in beauty, he acts on his ‘hunger’ for a woman with a body that arouses his 6th sense in an adrenalin rush that leaves him erect. Unfortunately for Thabo, him being male, will divulge this desire to one of his friends, who will either tell him to go for it or just go on about how enrapturing Refilwe’s butt is which will inadvertently lead him to pursuing to fulfill his ever-lasting desire which can never be filled by Bonnie. This is one of the ways that greed can lead one to cheat.

A very close friend of mine once theorised that every human being possesses the innate ability to cheat and that for this ability to manifest itself into action, external factors would have to provoke it, in other words only through the provocation of this innate ability to cheat by external factors, will one cheat. This is indeed a very astute observation. Selfishness is another factor that causes people to cheat. We live in a society that promotes “I”. “I am great, I am the best, I, I, I…” This mentality unfortunately, promotes selfishness and self centered behaviour because “I come first”. For instance, a monogamous Thandi is married to Themba, a pilot, who is always working and ergo hardly ever present at home. This absence (external factor) creates a void in Thandi’s love life which means that her sexual needs will not always be attended to as and when she requires and as a result, will provoke the innate ability to cheat, if I were to apply my friend’s theory, this is how I would explain it. So because Thandi wants her needs to be satisfied, she may become vulnerable toward suitors not only because of her sexual needs but also because of her emotional needs (being lonely), pending on the type of person she is of course but it is in this way that selfishness can lead to cheating.

Fear (insecurity) is also a factor that can lead people to cheating. Ironically, fear can also prevent people from dating in the 1st place. We live in a society that used to preach that “do unto others what you will have them do unto you” but today they preach “if you are not cheating on your partner, then they are cheating on you”. This mentality evokes fear in the minds of people that if they don’t cheat, then they will be the one who will be disgraced by being cheated on. As atrocious as it sounds, it is unfortunately true. The idea of cheating in itself has become a sort of norm in people’s minds to an extent that you are looked down upon or not believed if you have never cheated in your life. Males acquire credit from cheating and bragging (ironically women lose a gargantuan amount of credit for doing the same), as they want to be seen as alpha males (women would be seen as whores). I have heard a prominent neo-soul artist who recorded a track about cheating and before the song starts, he says “everybody cheats right…” even though he was very conceptual in his execution in that he says that he is cheating on his girlfriend WITH his girlfriend, it is the fact that he mentioned it that illustrates what a norm cheating has become in an odd almost in comprehendible way.

“What you don’t know can’t hurt you” is a very prominent ideology that a lot of people use to justify cheating because they wish to have their cakes and eat them, this would still go back to either greed or the innate evil that I spoke about earlier. What causes people to cheat you ask? Well, their innate evil, greed, selfishness, fear (insecurity), it being a societal norm and lastly provocation by external factors. If you think about it, we can actually put them all in one sentence as follows: A person’s innate evil can make them greedy and selfish which will make them cheat because they fear to be cheated on or that it’s the norm or that they have been provoked to do so. There are of course a wicked few, who cheat for the sake of cheating, do it to spite somebody, do it for the experience etc all of which are special cases and aren’t general. In all these factors, I deliberately left out one of the most pertinent aspects of life that all individuals have which is…choice!

Is cheating a choice? Well the truth is, choice is inherent in all situations for instance, if you were to get mugged or hijacked by delinquents with weapons where your life would be at stake, you can still choose not to comply with their demands, even though I would strongly advice against that for obvious reasons, but even in this life threatening situation you have a choice ergo, there is no exception when it comes to cheating, choice is also innate. “And what about flirting?” You may ask, well flirting is a toned down form of seduction, which entices infidelity so depending on one’s standards, (presuming you have some of course) that is also cheating.

I believe, I have just explained cheating in its entirety. To test this, I challenge you to think of all the instances you have come across that do not fit any of the factors I have stated. If you do find any, please contact and enlighten me. Now, lets us examine the aspect of choice in life. What do I mean when I say that it is inherent in all aspects? How does its existence influence the way we think and do things? Well for these insights and more, you will have to wait for my next article because yes, it is a topic for another day.